Naked

I find myself dwelling on things that I should probably leave alone, that it is not useful for me to think about, that it is not useful for me to punish myself with.

I do not have the power to change everything. I don’t even have the power to change all of the things that directly impact on me, if only because I cannot summon the will to change them.

Time and tide beat on, and I find that I do not change as much as I would like. I am still the sad, willful, nineteen year old girl who thrashed about in the undergrowth and couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I am still lazy and opinionated. I am still bullish and intolerant. I am still capricious and contradictory.

I thought I would be different, and I am not. Perhaps I am not different because I did not try hard enough to be different. If that’s the case, as usual, I have only myself to blame.

Today, I am overwhelmed.

I know that this too shall pass. 

I long for this to pass.

From time to time, I write this sort of thing. Then, I backspace over the words and consign them to oblivion. Like you, I do not expose myself in this way. Like you, I do not expose the extremes of my personality. Like you, I do not expose my vulnerabilities, for fear that I will be judged and found wanting, even when I judge and find myself wanting. We constantly hide from each other. 

Just this once, I’ve decided to stand naked before you.

I feel vulnerable, but I know that this too shall pass.

I make no special claims for my creativity or for my mental health status. I am the same as you. I experience the same range of human emotions that you experience. Sometimes it is simply more than I can bear, just as, sometimes, I know that it is more than you can bear. 

Sometimes it is simply too much.