I’m clearly far too content, right now.
I haven’t had a good old snark for what seems like ages.
My lovely agent is out there selling Naming Names hard, I’ve finished editing something I’ve been working on with the husband over the past year, and I’m enjoying writing my latest novel, which is proving much more fun than anyone should ever be allowed to have doing their day job.
I just spent a great weekend with the fabulous men and women of the Black Library and their amazing readers, the family is doing fine, the house is clean, there’s enough fire wood to keep me going for a little while, and enough coffee capsules to keep the brain ticking over. The house is quiet because the husband is out working on a strategy with Puffin for his gorgeous little children’s novel, Dragon Frontier, and I’ve got the day stretching out in front of me.
I slightly wish I did have something to snark about.
You guys like a good old snark.
I wonder why that is? I wonder why you like to watch me getting hot under the collar? Is it because it’s just funny to watch a middle-aged woman frothing at the mouth? Is it because I’m genuinely ridiculous? Is it because my grievances are petty and insignificant? Is it all of the above?
I don’t know.
I like to think, it’s because, in some small way, I represent all of you. I like to think it’s because I am prepared to stand up and say what the rest of you are thinking, even if it seems un-PC, even if it seems, perhaps, a little intolerant, a little stern, a little bossy.
I like to think of myself as the nicest, sweetest, most generous woman on the planet. I like to think that I have a smile and a kind word for everyone.
It isn’t true. I am, in fact, bitter and twisted, and full of expectations and grievances, and demands. Aren’t we all?
The funny thing is, for the most part, I ask for what I want, and I get it.
Here’s the trick. I ask for what I want with a smile on my face and a calm voice. I am conciliatory. I am patient. If I feel the need to complain, I do so to someone in power, not to the girl on the minimum wage. I make a friend of everyone and I treat them the way I like to be treated. I call anyone wearing a badge by the name on that badge, and I smile at them until they smile back at me, and, when it is all over, I tip them, and I tip them well.
I’m the woman who asks her doctor how he is, for goodness sake, and I makes it my mission to have him laughing before I leave his consulting room.
It’s OK to snark, but snarking is power and with power comes responsibility, so by all means take a leaf out of my book, and snark too, but I urge you to use your snark wisely and to temper it with a kindly disposition...
And if you ever see me snarking with a bad grace do, please, pull me up on it, slap my wrists and put me in my place, because I’d do the same for you.