Nicola Vincent-Abnett

Nicola Vincent-Abnett
"Savant" for Solaris, Wild's End, Further Associates of Sherlock Holms, more Wild's End

Saturday 8 March 2014

Dear Gemma Worrall...

Gemma Worrall
 looking fab!
...I’m sure you’re a very nice girl and all that.

That pink dress is too short and too cleavage-y, but I guess it has the desired effect with the men-folk, and there’s nothing wrong with a knock-off clutch or cheap-as-chips hair extensions... Nothing at all.

Chantelle Houghton looking…
well… not so fab
Seriously... I’m up for a bit of the chav-tastic... look at what that Chantelle Houghton made of herself... No... just look!

Seriously, though, I’m going to ask for my taxes back if you’re a typical example of young womanhood in your age bracket.

Did you go to school? Tell me... Did you? If you didn’t... If you bunked off three days a week, that’s fair enough. I won’t ask for a refund. But if you simply left early on the occasional Friday and were in class pretty well most of the time, even if you did sit at the back plaiting your hair and perfecting your eyeliner, you really should have learnt more than this, and I really do want my money back.

Can I have a refund, please, from the government on Ms Worrall’s education, and, while you’re at it, can I have a refund on all her classmates educations, too, and all the kids who got the equivalent education from the equivalent schools during that decade?

Can I?

Yeah... I thought not.
President Barrack Obama…
With flags and everything!

Prime Minister David Cameron
With… well… a door
Gemma. Barrack Obama... Let’s get his name right for a start... is not your President. I understand you’re from Blackpool. That makes you British, so Mr David Cameron is your Prime Minister, which is a bit like a President, but, you know, not quite. It would take too long to explain the differences here, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Now, Gemma, on the subject of Foreign Policy...

Oh bollocks to it!

Dear Gemma, dear, sweet, innocent girl. First, give up the fags and the booze, if you partake... Oh, and drugs... Just say NO! 

Now on the subject of boys... Try as hard as you can to pick the cleverest, funniest boys you can get your claws into. In your case you should be OK because you’re pretty and boys are shallow. Key words (Yep, I can do computer speak too) Clever and Funny! Put 'good looking', 'dresses well' and 'smells good' on one side for a moment and 'popular' too, and concentrate on Clever and Funny! 

While you’re doing that, start reading a newspaper. I know it’s not the web, but AOL News just isn’t going to cut it. Oh, and by newspaper, I mean something that doesn’t have any red colouring-in on the front. The Sun, for example, isn’t a newspaper and neither is the Daily Mail or the Daily Express. If you are in any doubt about what a newspaper is then look for a REALLY big one!

No... I’ve lost her, haven’t I?

Yep... She’s gone!

Bye-bye Gemma Worrall... Bye-bye.

Bye-bye sanity!

Bye-bye World!

For those of you who didn't see it, Gemma Worrall posted this tweet yesterday. It and her very quickly went viral: Why is our president Barraco Barner getting involved with Russia, scary.


  1. I am aware you were aiming for satire. However, red-tops are newspapers. They might not be the perfect examples of it, but they are better than getting all your current affairs from fragments regurgitated in noisy clubs.

    If you really want more people to read print media, then don't attack the gateway drugs.

  2. Wow - what an incredibly sniping, patronizing and arrogant way to an attack someone who you appear to be making character judgments of based on nothing but a picture and a comment on Twitter. Take what you will from the whole affair, but is there any reason to be quite so snide about it? I could make plenty of dick-ish comments about who you are based on stereotypes associated with the way you look in your profile picture - but that's all they would be - empty stereotypes.

    From your article, it looks like you have created some arbitrary system of values for whats OK and what isn't, in which an engagement with politics and studying hard is the key to being an "acceptable person" (I am guessing you did study hard and do engage with politics). It may come as a shock to you, but politics isn't all there is in life. Good grades and recognition are also not the be all and end all of life. There are ways to be brilliant that don't involve sitting in school and doing what you're told - there are types of intelligence beyond IQ and "knowing lots of stuff", and sitting in rows to have information drilled is often not the way many people learn best. Come to think of it, some of the worlds best minds were actively poor at school.

    For all you know, Gemma Worrall might be a really good friend to her mates. Maybe when shes out being a beautician, she talks to her clients and makes them feel good, and she finds that fulfilling. She might be a lot of things that aren't anything to do with politics or education, but you wouldn't know, and you'll never know, because you'll spend the rest of your life labelling people who you judge to be like her as "chavs", counting them as inferior and avoiding them.

    You might lament that there are many people with a lack of understanding of current affairs - that's fair enough. You might lament that the education system under Labour was sub-standard. That's your opinion. But there's no need place yourself as the arch decision maker of whats right and wrong based on the fact that you don't like a girls hair extensions, and because she comes from a different background to you.

  3. What a horrible article - based on nothing other than a picture and a admittedly dim twitter post. What a nasty individual you are.

    Your own issues are clear to see here & they